There was time in the not too distant past that the only reminder a woman needed of her pregnancy was to simply take a look at the sullen, moody, angst ridden teenage alien that was masquerading as her child. She would sigh, take a Vallium and then go through the baby clothes, baby pictures and maybe hug the first teddy bear she ever gave her child.
That was THEN.
Now, thanks to movies like "Silence of the Lambs" and Modern Science, the Modern Mother can have a truly one of a kind rememberance of her pregnancy. All it takes is some salt, a couple of eggs, a little ability as a seamstress and...a placenta. Yes, now you finally have a use for all that unexpected afterbirth that gets delivered along with the expected bundle of joy. Some of the more adventurous mothers have been known to (I swear I am NOT making this up) cook and EAT the aforementioned placenta. If you aren't feeling quite so adventurous, you can have your placenta cured, tanned and crafted into a Teddy Bear. It will also be placed in a jar to show on your shelf. A definite conversation piece if there ever was one.
One of the comments on the website this is from summed this idea up nicely: "It's like Hannibal Lecter and FAO Schwartz teamed up to design a toy!"
So what do YOU think? Would YOU want an "Afterbirth Teddy Bear"? Would you want your parents to have one of these on their fireplace mantle?
Doing It For The Kids??
Read more: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=16563539&blogId=537612741#ixzz0uwOAtjuY
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Why I Believe I'm God's Chew Toy
I've posted several blogs in the past where I've made the comment that I believe that my only purpose on this Earth is to give God something to play with....a "chew toy" if you will. My reasons for this are legion, but I'll try to keep it down to a maximum of ten or so.
First off, God blessed me with the ability to notice things that probably shouldn't be noticed...or at least not noticed and commented on. The first time this happened to me, I couldn't have been more than 8 or 9. My dads older sister had come up for a visit and was getting ready for bed one night. She had on a ratty, old nightgown and no robe. She came into the living room and stood with her back to me and said to my dad, "Cecil, do you know what I'm thinking?"
Without missing a beat, I piped up and said, "Yeah...you're thinking there ain't a hole in the back of your nightgown, but there IS!" She didn't say another word. She just blushed furiously and walked very fast (backwards) to the guest bedroom. My DAD, on the other hand, was laughing so hard I think he may have pissed himself.
In later years, I would see things and point them out. Sometimes my timing wasn't all that good. For instance, I learned in Jr. High that not all school teachers are good spellers and tend to get a trifle annoyed when you point out their spelling mistakes in class. That little case of "noticing" got me moved to another class in exchange for another student and "a cheerleader to be named later".
In High School, I learned that trying to do a girl a favor by pulling her skirt out of her butt crack will not only not be appreciated by said girl, but can get you moved to the top of her boyfriend's "People Whose Ass I Need to Kick" list. That was the situation that also resulted in my discovery that God blessed me with a silver tongue. I'm not certain, but I think I talked so fast getting out of THAT little scrape that I sounded like an auctioneer on meth.
In college, my "noticing ablility" along with my warped sense of humor got me in a small amount of trouble. On the double doors to the Chorale Music Room, someone had put a sign on one of the doors that said, "Please use other door". I couldn't help myself. Using a Sharpie I wrote below the notice, "This one's Baroque". I don't know why the music director was so annoyed. Everyone else thought it was hilarious. College was also where I learned that it's never a wise policy to tell a Philosophy professor that he's as "Full of crap as a Christmas turkey" when he's trying to explain the concept that the chair I'm sitting in "isn't really there". This profound statement on my part resulted in me having to tell my Dad later that semester, "Dad, that 'F' isn't really there..." Needless to say, he didn't buy it.
As I've gone through my adult years, God has put things in my path (with malice aforethought) just to mess with my head. Some have been more frightening than others...the 400 pound lady jogging in shocking pink Spandex running shorts that were stretched so tightly across her backside that they were nearly invisible jumps immediately to mind. THAT vision nearly caused me to drive my car up a light pole. Then, He's sent people my way that had kids they had no business in having which made me wonder why my wife and I (who desperately wanted to have kids and couldn't) were having to give "pointers" to this couple who not only didn't seem to know what was CAUSING these kids to appear, but had no friggin' clue what to do with 'em once they started talking!
Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. Not one bit. I feel a certain amount of pride and pleasure that I've been given this gift...though sometimes I wish I'd kept the receipt. I've been told that I don't "take life seriously enough". I always ask, "Why should I? No one gets out of it alive. Why not have as much fun as is legally possible while you're here?" That's not to say that I don't have obligations or that I don't take those obligations seriously. I know that if the rent and utilities don't get paid, I'll be sitting on the curb in the dark. BUT...I don't see the need or point in stressing out over stuff that I can't control.
The one thing that I simply DO NOT understand is the concept, emotion or whatever you want to call it called, "Jealousy". I have a lot of female friends. Some are very close and others are close but not VERY close. My wife knows this and has no issues with it. Not because she doesn't CARE but rather because she TRUSTS me. On the other hand, I know women who are friends whose husbands are JEALOUS...of ME. Why?? I have no clue. No woman is going to leave her husband for me. I've seen myself naked. I KNOW this is not going to happen. So, jealousy is something I simply DO NOT "get". Are some men so insecure that they think their spouse is going to leave them for the first guy that is nice to them?? If so, they have bigger issues than most and should be actively seeking professional help from a Psychiatrist AND a Marriage Counselor. I'm not the jealous type...never have been. To me it's a waste of time and energy. Jealous people should be slapped three ways: hard, fast and continuously until they snap out of it...in my opinion.
So, in closing...look around, folks. See the weird stuff. You don't have to HUNT for it...it's right there in plain sight. Drive up ATM's with Braille on the keys...bright yellow signs with red letters that AREN'T in Braille on business doors that say, "No dogs allowed except seeing-eye dogs"...billboards that say, "Illiterate? Need Help? Call 1-800..."...blank sheets of paper in a manual that say "This page intentionally left blank" which means it's not REALLY blank after all...and the list goes on and on. See the strange, bizarre stuff that is in this world we live in....and LAUGH. Write about it, talk to others about it...but most importantly...LAUGH ABOUT IT!!
Life is too short to not have fun with it while you have it. If anyone tries to tell you differently, smack 'em in the face with a cream pie!
First off, God blessed me with the ability to notice things that probably shouldn't be noticed...or at least not noticed and commented on. The first time this happened to me, I couldn't have been more than 8 or 9. My dads older sister had come up for a visit and was getting ready for bed one night. She had on a ratty, old nightgown and no robe. She came into the living room and stood with her back to me and said to my dad, "Cecil, do you know what I'm thinking?"
Without missing a beat, I piped up and said, "Yeah...you're thinking there ain't a hole in the back of your nightgown, but there IS!" She didn't say another word. She just blushed furiously and walked very fast (backwards) to the guest bedroom. My DAD, on the other hand, was laughing so hard I think he may have pissed himself.
In later years, I would see things and point them out. Sometimes my timing wasn't all that good. For instance, I learned in Jr. High that not all school teachers are good spellers and tend to get a trifle annoyed when you point out their spelling mistakes in class. That little case of "noticing" got me moved to another class in exchange for another student and "a cheerleader to be named later".
In High School, I learned that trying to do a girl a favor by pulling her skirt out of her butt crack will not only not be appreciated by said girl, but can get you moved to the top of her boyfriend's "People Whose Ass I Need to Kick" list. That was the situation that also resulted in my discovery that God blessed me with a silver tongue. I'm not certain, but I think I talked so fast getting out of THAT little scrape that I sounded like an auctioneer on meth.
In college, my "noticing ablility" along with my warped sense of humor got me in a small amount of trouble. On the double doors to the Chorale Music Room, someone had put a sign on one of the doors that said, "Please use other door". I couldn't help myself. Using a Sharpie I wrote below the notice, "This one's Baroque". I don't know why the music director was so annoyed. Everyone else thought it was hilarious. College was also where I learned that it's never a wise policy to tell a Philosophy professor that he's as "Full of crap as a Christmas turkey" when he's trying to explain the concept that the chair I'm sitting in "isn't really there". This profound statement on my part resulted in me having to tell my Dad later that semester, "Dad, that 'F' isn't really there..." Needless to say, he didn't buy it.
As I've gone through my adult years, God has put things in my path (with malice aforethought) just to mess with my head. Some have been more frightening than others...the 400 pound lady jogging in shocking pink Spandex running shorts that were stretched so tightly across her backside that they were nearly invisible jumps immediately to mind. THAT vision nearly caused me to drive my car up a light pole. Then, He's sent people my way that had kids they had no business in having which made me wonder why my wife and I (who desperately wanted to have kids and couldn't) were having to give "pointers" to this couple who not only didn't seem to know what was CAUSING these kids to appear, but had no friggin' clue what to do with 'em once they started talking!
Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. Not one bit. I feel a certain amount of pride and pleasure that I've been given this gift...though sometimes I wish I'd kept the receipt. I've been told that I don't "take life seriously enough". I always ask, "Why should I? No one gets out of it alive. Why not have as much fun as is legally possible while you're here?" That's not to say that I don't have obligations or that I don't take those obligations seriously. I know that if the rent and utilities don't get paid, I'll be sitting on the curb in the dark. BUT...I don't see the need or point in stressing out over stuff that I can't control.
The one thing that I simply DO NOT understand is the concept, emotion or whatever you want to call it called, "Jealousy". I have a lot of female friends. Some are very close and others are close but not VERY close. My wife knows this and has no issues with it. Not because she doesn't CARE but rather because she TRUSTS me. On the other hand, I know women who are friends whose husbands are JEALOUS...of ME. Why?? I have no clue. No woman is going to leave her husband for me. I've seen myself naked. I KNOW this is not going to happen. So, jealousy is something I simply DO NOT "get". Are some men so insecure that they think their spouse is going to leave them for the first guy that is nice to them?? If so, they have bigger issues than most and should be actively seeking professional help from a Psychiatrist AND a Marriage Counselor. I'm not the jealous type...never have been. To me it's a waste of time and energy. Jealous people should be slapped three ways: hard, fast and continuously until they snap out of it...in my opinion.
So, in closing...look around, folks. See the weird stuff. You don't have to HUNT for it...it's right there in plain sight. Drive up ATM's with Braille on the keys...bright yellow signs with red letters that AREN'T in Braille on business doors that say, "No dogs allowed except seeing-eye dogs"...billboards that say, "Illiterate? Need Help? Call 1-800..."...blank sheets of paper in a manual that say "This page intentionally left blank" which means it's not REALLY blank after all...and the list goes on and on. See the strange, bizarre stuff that is in this world we live in....and LAUGH. Write about it, talk to others about it...but most importantly...LAUGH ABOUT IT!!
Life is too short to not have fun with it while you have it. If anyone tries to tell you differently, smack 'em in the face with a cream pie!
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